Why I chose strangers over friends as roommates

When I moved to San Francisco after college, I signed a lease with three strangers I met online. So far, it's been easier than living with friends.

I graduated in 2023 and knew I wanted to return to Northern California, where I grew up. After a short stint with my parents in the Bay Area suburbs, I started looking for roommates. My college friends were scattered across the country. The ones still in the region had either locked in leases months earlier or were moving in with partners. Going solo in San Francisco was out of reach – a one-bedroom near my office in SoMa ran north of $3,000 a month, nearly my entire take-home pay as a junior analyst.

A co-worker suggested a roommate-matching site called Roomi. I filled out a profile with my budget ($1,200 max), my work schedule, and a note that I kept late hours. Within a week I had seven matches. I met four people for coffee, picked three, and signed a group lease for a four-bedroom in the Mission.

The first surprise was how little we needed to negotiate. No one asked about splitting the cable bill evenly because two of us didn't watch TV. No one expected shared groceries. We set one rule: text the group chat before using the kitchen after 10 p.m. It stuck.

Contrast that with my friend Maya, who moved in with two college friends in Oakland. Within two months, one friend stopped paying utilities on time. The other started leaving passive-aggressive notes about dishes in the sink. By month four, the friendship was strained enough that they stopped hanging out outside the apartment. They are still on the lease through August and barely speak.

I do not think my roommates and I are unusually mature. I think we are unusually detached. We do not owe each other loyalty or shared history. That detachment makes conflict cheap. When someone forgets to take out the recycling, I send a text and it is done. There is no accumulated grievance from the time they borrowed my sweater in sophomore year.

Living with friends means the relationship is always at stake. A late rent payment is not just a financial problem – it is a betrayal. A messy kitchen is not just an annoyance – it is disrespect. The friendship provides trust, it also raises the stakes of every small friction. With strangers, the stakes are just the rent and the cleaning schedule.

The arrangement has other advantages. My roommates work in different fields – a nurse, a graphic designer, a restaurant manager. I have learned more about shift work and freelance billing cycles than I ever did in college. The range of schedules means the apartment usually has someone home, so packages do not sit on the stoop. No one is ever in the kitchen at the same time.

I still see my college friends on weekends. We meet for brunch or hiking. We vent about work. We complain about rent. We do not have to check whose turn it is to buy dish soap. The friendship exists outside the apartment, which means it does not have to survive dirty dishes.

A study from Zillow last year found that 62% of recent graduates who moved in with friends reported roommate conflict within six months. The number dropped to 34% for those who found roommates through a platform. I am not sure the platform matters. I think the distance does.

My lease ends in July. Two roommates are staying. One is moving in with her boyfriend. We will need a fourth. I will probably use Roomi again. I will probably pick someone who works a different schedule and keeps a different social circle. We will probably get along fine.

And my friends will still be my friends.